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About the Book


"Winning Your Wife" by Gary Smalley explores ways to improve communication, intimacy, and overall satisfaction in marriage. Smalley offers practical advice and strategies for husbands to strengthen their relationship with their wives, leading to a more fulfilling and successful marriage.

Elizabeth Elliot

Elizabeth Elliot “I have one desire now – to live a life with reckless abandon for the Lord, putting all my strength and energy into it.” Elisabeth Elliot, an inspirational woman who remained faithful to God, and the calling he had laid on her heart, through many trials and tribulations. ELISABETH’S EARLY YEARS Elisabeth Elliot was born on December 27, 1926 in Brussels, Belgium, where her parents served as missionaries. Before she was a year old they moved to America to Germantown, Pennsylvania, outside of Philadelphia. Her family grew when they came to America, and Elisabeth gained four younger brothers and one younger sister. While they lived in Germantown, Elisabeth’s father was the editor for the Sunday School Times, which was a weekly journal that contained Sunday School lessons that were used simultaneously in several Sunday School classrooms to keep the teaching and learning cohesive in churches throughout the country. CALLING TO ECUADOR A true pioneer in the world of Christianity, Elisabeth went to Wheaton College and studied Greek, because she desired to translate the Bible for the remote regions in the world. While at the college, she met Jim Elliot. After graduation, Elisabeth went on a missionary expedition to Ecuador with other students from Wheaton, including Jim Elliot. In the first year of their missionary journey, Jim and Elisabeth worked in different regions. A year after entering Ecuador, Jim joined Elisabeth in the Quichua Indian tribe. In 1953, Jim and Elisabeth were married and continued to serve in Ecuador. They had a daughter, Valerie Elliot Shepard. When the Auca tribe in Eastern Ecuador killed Jim Elliot and his missionary partners, Elisabeth refused to give up on the people in that tribe. She continued to live in the region with her daughter and Rachel Saint, the sister of another one of the missionaries that the Auca tribe killed. They lived among the Quichua tribe. While living in the Quichua tribe, two Auca women lived with Elisabeth for one year. During that year of living with the two Auca women, Elisabeth came to understand why the tribe killed her husband and the other missionaries. The tribe feared that outsiders were going to come into their tribe and take away their freedom. With that understanding, Elisabeth and Rachel Saint were able to go to the Auca tribe and build relationships with them. They led the people of the tribe to Jesus. The tribe saw and understood the forgiveness and grace that Elisabeth and Rachel extended to them. Elisabeth wrote two books while she lived in Ecuador that contained her experiences and Jim’s experiences with the Auca tribe. She wrote Through the Gates of Splendor, which gives an account of her and Jim’s experiences with the Auca tribe. ELISABETH’S RETURN TO AMERICA After spending two years with the Auca, Elisabeth came to America with her daughter in 1963. Elisabeth and her daughter, Valerie lived in New Hampshire when they returned to America. Elisabeth met Addison Leitch, a theologian professor at Gordon Conwell University, and was thrilled to marry him in 1969. During their marriage, Addison and Elisabeth toured the United States with speaking engagements. Elisabeth never limited her message to women. She would inspire other Christians to live their lives, both men and women, with a passion to live for God. Four years after they were married in 1973, Addison lost his battle with cancer and died. Valerie was thirteen when Elisabeth married Addison and was excited that God gave her a “Daddy.” When he died, Valerie was devastated to lose the father that she knew. She knew about Jim Elliot her biological father, but she knew Addison as a father who was present with her. ELISABETH’S LOVE REDEEMED After Leitch’s death, Elisabeth had two lodgers in her home. One of the lodgers married her daughter, and the other lodger, Lars Gren, married Elisabeth. Lars Gren was a hospital chaplain. Lars and Elisabeth were married until her death. At the age of 89, on June 15, 2015 Elisabeth Elliot died. As her soul resides in heaven, her legacy lives on earth with her writings and stories. ELISABETH ELLIOT’S BELIEFS ON FEMINISM Elisabeth was never afraid to tell where the woman’s place was. She believed that women in the military needed to be in non-combative places because they would be needed at home, even if they were single. Also, she believed strongly that a married woman, especially to a pastor, was to support his ministry and not begin her own career. Her beliefs came because she counseled so many women whose marriages were falling apart because the women insisted on working outside of the home. Also, she studied the Bible and understood what it meant for women. Elisabeth didn’t like addressing the issue, but she was very bold and forthright in her answers. Elisabeth knew how to answer the question of women speaking in the church. She declined speaking on Sunday mornings to a congregation. If she were asked to speak at a Sunday School class or another meeting at a church, she would only oblige if a man who was a leader turned over the meeting to her. She understood the Bible to be clear that women are not to usurp authority over men. She knew that the Bible didn’t discriminate between Sunday mornings and Sunday evenings, but she also knew that she could not usurp authority over men. Her beliefs gained her respect, and men and women listened to her and read her books. BOOKS WRITTEN BY ELISABETH ELLIOT In her lifetime, Elisabeth wrote and published twenty-four books. She continued to travel and speak all over America sharing her story, her knowledge, and wisdom of God’s Word until her health stopped her in 2004. Her most popular books were Through the Gates of Splendor and Passion and Purity: Learning to Bring Your Love Life Under God’s Control. Through the Gates of Splendor tells the story of Jim Elliot and their encounter with the tribes in Ecuador that eventually took his life. Passion and Purity: Your Life Under God’s Control is a book that deals with dating for single Christians and how to honor God in their romantic relationships. It was published in 1984. In a world where everyone is doing whatever they please, she gives her own examples of love, heartache with the deaths of her husbands, and romance with all of them, while maintaining a pure relationship with them and before God. Elisabeth used her theological knowledge in her books and speeches. QUOTES FROM ELISABETH ELLIOT “God never denies our hearts’ desire except to give us something better.” “I have one desire now—to live a life with reckless abandon for the Lord, putting all my strength and energy into it.” “Leave it all in the Hands that were wounded for you.” “Fear arises when we imagine that everything depends on us.” “We cannot give our lives to God and keep our bodies to ourselves.” “And underneath are the everlasting arms.”

five ways to build stronger relationships

“That used to be nice.” That was the first response when I recently asked a group of men what comes to mind when they think about friendship. Once they entered their upper twenties and thirties, many of them no longer had close friendships. We mostly laughed when joking about Jesus’s “miracle” of having twelve close friends in his thirties. Many factors combine to make friendship difficult for men. Personally, time for friends seems unrealistic in light of work or family responsibilities. Culturally, we don’t have a shared understanding of what friendships among men should look like. We also find ourselves connecting more digitally than deeply. We’ve lost a vision for strong, warm, face-to-face and side-by-side male friendship. But God made us for more. He made us in his own image, the image of a triune God who exists in communal love. Therefore, friendship is not a luxury; it’s a relational necessity. We glorify God by enjoying him and reflecting his relational love with one another. If you are a man who has struggled to go deeper with other men, here are five concrete steps to cultivate deeper friendships. 1. Establish rhythms for your relationships. Without rhythms in our lives, the important priorities don’t get done. If we value communing with God through his word and prayer, we form a habit. If we want to exercise consistently, we create a pattern. Here’s a proposal for cultivating friendship: Build it into your schedule. Establish a regular rhythm for coffee together. Devote a meal each week — say, Monday breakfasts or Wednesday dinners — to share with others. Plan to meet up to take walks together. Reserve an extended weekend each year to get away and enjoy God’s creation together. 2. Drop each conversation one notch deeper. Conversations about sports and daily activities are worthwhile. But if that’s all we talk about, it’s like snorkeling on the surface while missing the deeper wonders of the ocean. But how do we take our conversations deeper? First, ask thoughtful questions. When you’re driving to meet your friend, think about what you want to learn about him. Think about the main aspects of his life right now — his relationship with the Lord, his family, his work — and ask him about how things are going. When he shares about a challenge, ask how his internal life (his heart, his disposition toward God) is doing in the midst of this. From there, stay curious and ask more questions. Second, talk about what you’re each reading. Ask how God’s word has convicted or encouraged him recently. Ask what book he’s recently read that helped him know God or live more faithfully as a disciple. Consider reading through Scripture or a Scripture-saturated book together and meeting to talk about it. 3. Overcome our cultural aversion to expressing affection. “Love one another with brotherly affection” (Romans 12:10). We don’t usually put those last two words next to one another —  brotherly  feels masculine;  affection  feels feminine. But there they are together, inviting us to cultivate genuine, non-weird, affectionate brotherhood. We see this affectionate bond with Jonathan and David: “The soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul” (1 Samuel 18:1). We see it with Paul and the Ephesian elders: “And there was much weeping on the part of all; they embraced Paul and kissed him” (Acts 20:37). Expressing affection feels uncomfortable to men today because our culture has slowly shifted its understanding of masculinity. Rather than combining strength and tenderness, we view manhood as muscular and aggressive. Our culture has also sexualized love, interpreting affection between men as something other than friendship. But we can build a better way. 4. Oxygenate your friendships with affirmation. What happens without oxygen? We become sluggish and lethargic. This is what relationships feel like without affirmation. This may be why some of your relationships feel withered, thin, or tired. Affirmation is relational oxygen. One of the most powerful tools for cultivating true friendship is Romans 12:10: “Outdo one another in showing honor.” Men find it hard to give and receive honor and affirmation. It feels uncomfortable at first to tell someone why you thank God for him or why you respect him. But only at first. I’ve seen many men work through their initial hesitations and start cultivating a culture of sincere encouragement around them. And I’ve seen the other men flourish because of it. 5. Invite friends into what you’re already doing. Our schedules are full and we rush from one thing to the next. We don’t see how we can find time for friends. But what if you don’t need to open up your schedule? What if you can include friends into the activities you already do? Here are a few suggestions I’ve seen work: When you plan to watch a sports game or weekly show, find out who else would want to watch it and invite them to join you. If you exercise a few times each week, do it with a friend. Invite friends or family members to join you for dinner or dessert. If you have young kids, let your guests participate in the bedtime routine and then stay around afterward. If you have young kids, invite someone to join your family at the park. Put a few friends on speed dial and call them on your daily commute home. If you have a home project to complete, invite someone to help you and offer to help him with his. Hope and Help for Forging Friendship Jesus is our greatest model of male friendship. He initiated relationships and he invited men to be with him (Mark 3:14). He continually asked thought-provoking questions. He loved his disciples with brotherly affection (John 13:1). He calls us his friends (John 15:13–15). He also gives us the great privilege of reflecting and enjoying this kind of true friendship to other men. Maybe as you consider taking these steps, you look ahead with both hope and hesitancy. Maybe you think back to when you experienced deeper community and think you won’t find that again. Or maybe you still feel pain from failed attempts at connecting with others. You wonder if forging friendship is harder, even impossible, for you. Before you give up, remember two truths: First, Jesus isn’t just the model for true friendship; he is himself our truest friend. He initiates friendship with us, and we receive it on terms of grace. Now “no one need ever say I have no ‘friend’ to turn to, so long as Christ is in heaven” (J.C. Ryle,  Expository Thoughts , 3:114). And second, he delights for us to ask for true community in his name. God alone is able to create, renew, and strengthen the deepest human relationships. So, pray. Ask God to make your efforts at friendship fruitful. Then trust him, stay patient, and keep taking steps toward others in the strength he provides.

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