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"Building Stronger Marriages and Families" by Billy Joe Daugherty is a practical guide that explores the foundations of healthy relationships and offers actionable advice for strengthening marriages and families. The book covers topics such as communication, forgiveness, and spiritual intimacy, providing readers with tools and insights to build stronger and more fulfilling relationships.

Susannah Wesley

Susannah Wesley If a passing stranger walking through the rural village of Epworth, England, on any given day between 1700 and 1720 had peered through the window of the home of the rector of the local Anglican church, he might have caught sight of something quite strange. Depending on the time of day, this observer might have seen a woman sitting in a chair with her kitchen apron pulled up over her head while ten children read, studied, or played all around her. Two of those ten children would have been little boys — John and Charles — who would grow up to shape the course of Christian history and thus change the world. The woman under the apron would have been Susanna Wesley, who assumed this odd posture for two hours almost every day. In a moment you will understand why. Susanna understood the dynamics of large families. Born the twenty-fifth of twenty-five children in 1669, Susanna Annesley grew up the daughter of a prominent, highly educated minister in cosmopolitan London. She had little formal education, but growing up in an academic household with so many older siblings left her well-read and well-rounded intellectually. She met Samuel Wesley, an aspiring Anglican minister, and married him in 1688, when she was nineteen years old. Susanna’s remaining fifty-three years were far from easy ones. They were characterized by loss, hardship, and struggle. Yet she became a woman of immense legacy, largely through the dual virtues of organization and prayer. Susanna delivered nineteen children, but nine — including two sets of twins — died in infancy. Another was accidentally smothered in the night by a nurse as Susanna recovered from labor and delivery. Her husband, Samuel, did not succeed in his thirty-nine-year assignment as rector of the church at Epworth. An intellectual academic, he simply did not understand or identify with the rural villagers in his parish. Nor did they care for him. When he involved himself from the pulpit in a highly divisive political matter inflaming the entire nation in that era, he earned the hatred of a vast segment of the populace. On two occasions the Wesleys’ parsonage burned down, most likely because of arson on the part of Epworth’s embittered parishioners. Susanna and the children were seldom spared harassment and insults. Samuel was not good with money, and he once spent several months in debtors’ prison. The parsonage came with a small farm, but Samuel was uninterested in and ill-suited for farm work, so this too was left for Susanna to manage. This was in addition to the huge task of homeschooling all of the children, with their varying ages and gifts. For decades, Samuel expended all of his energies and most of the family’s meager wealth working on an exegetical treatise on the book of Job. The sad irony is that while he was away for long periods of time studying and writing about Job’s intense sufferings, his living, breathing wife was enduring real pain and hardship, largely on her own. Susanna’s household organizational skills are the stuff of legend. She knew from personal experience that quality one-on-one time with a parent is hard to come by in a family with many children, yet powerfully important. So she set a rotating schedule through which each of her children spent an hour with her alone before bedtime on a designated night each week. What is more, she somehow found a way to manage the household and give her large brood of children a world-class education that included both classical and biblical learning. Her girls got the same rigorous education as did her boys, something virtually unheard of in that day. Traditionally, girls of that place and time were taught “feminine” skills such as needlework and music before undertaking the most basic education, such as learning to read. Susanna firmly believed this was wrong-headed. Her girls were taught the same curriculum as her boys. Among the “bylaws” by which she ran her home school was this: “8. That no girl be taught to work till she can read very well; and then that she be kept to her work with the same application, and for the same time, that she was held to in reading. This rule also is much to be observed; for the putting of children to learn sewing before they can read perfectly, is the very reason why so few women can read fit to be heard, and never to be well understood.”1 School hours were from 9:00 a.m. to noon and then 2:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m., six days a week. All but the smallest children completed their assigned chores promptly before the start of the school day. As in many one-room schoolhouses in generations past, older children helped teach the younger. No Excuse for Not Praying! Susanna took her relationship to God as seriously as she did her duties as a wife and mother. Early in her life, she vowed that she would never spend more time in leisure entertainment than she did in prayer and Bible study. Even amid the most complex and busy years of her life as a mother, she still scheduled two hours each day for fellowship with God and time in His Word, and she adhered to that schedule faithfully. The challenge was finding a place of privacy in a house filled to overflowing with children. Mother Wesley’s solution to this was to bring her Bible to her favorite chair and throw her long apron up over her head, forming a sort of tent. This became something akin to the “tent of meeting,” the tabernacle in the days of Moses in the Old Testament. Every person in the household, from the smallest toddler to the oldest domestic helpers, knew well to respect this signal. When Susanna was under the apron, she was with God and was not to be disturbed except in the case of the direst emergency. There in the privacy of her little tent, she interceded for her husband and children and plumbed the deep mysteries of God in the Scriptures. This holy discipline equipped her with a thorough and profound knowledge of the Bible. Prayer Leads to Teaching When husband Samuel was away, as was often the case, a substitute minister brought the Sunday morning sermon at the church. Susanna found these messages uninspiring and lacking in spiritual meat. She had a good-sized congregation of her own at home, so she began teaching them the Bible in her kitchen on Sunday afternoons. Soon neighbors began asking if they could attend. Word circulated and others from the area began asking permission to attend as well. So thorough was Susanna’s knowledge of the Bible, and so gifted was she at communicating its truths, that on any given Sunday after church, Susanna would have as many as two hundred people in attendance at her informal family Bible study, which started in her home but soon moved to a larger venue. Susanna passed away in 1742 at the age of seventy-three, living long enough to see her sons John and Charles become world-renowned leaders of the global Christian movement. This is her legacy, forged in large part in those diligent hours of intercession under that makeshift apron tent. The Lasting Legacy of Prayer John Wesley is estimated to have preached to nearly a million people in his long, fruitful life. His powerful, evangelistic services were frequently held in the open air to accommodate audiences in the tens of thousands. Traveling on horseback, he regularly preached three or more times a day, often beginning before daybreak. Even at the age of seventy he preached, without the assistance of modern amplification, to an estimated throng of thirty-two thousand people. It is hard to overstate John Wesley’s theological impact. He remains the dominant theological influence on Methodists and Methodist-heritage groups the world over, including the United Methodist Church, the Methodist Church of Great Britain, and the African Methodist Episcopal Church, all of which played a pivotal role in the abolitionist movement of the nineteenth century. Wesleyan theology also formed the foundation for the holiness movement in the United States, which includes denominations like the Wesleyan Church, the Free Methodist Church, the Church of the Nazarene, the Christian and Missionary Alliance, the Church of God (Anderson, Indiana), and other groups which compose the colorful mosaic of Pentecostalism and the charismatic movement in North America. As prolific a writer as he was busy as a preacher, John Wesley has been called the Father of the Religious Paperback. His published sermons, tracts, pamphlets, and booklets number roughly five thousand items. In addition to theology, Wesley wrote about music, marriage, medicine, science, abolitionism, and current events. Although John married, he and his wife, Mary, had no children. Because of his giving nature toward the poor, the oppressed, and the unevangelized, he left little of material wealth behind when he died in 1791 at the age of eighty-seven. One biographer said John Wesley “was carried to his grave by six poor men ‘leaving behind him nothing but a good library of books, a well-worn clergyman’s gown… and — the Methodist Church.’”2 The same writer observed that John’s impact was so profound that he in effect “supplied a new starting-point to modern religious history.”3 John’s younger brother Charles was very much a partner in and vital contributor to these accomplishments. A brilliant musician and lyricist, he wrote more than 6,600 hymns, many of which are still in hymnals the world over today. Charles and his wife, Sarah, had three children who survived infancy, including two boys, Samuel and Charles Jr., who were musical prodigies. Charles Jr. grew up to serve as the personal organist of the English royal family. His brother, Samuel Sebastian Wesley, became one of the most accomplished British composers of the nineteenth century. A contemporary of Mozart, Samuel is sometimes called “The English Mozart.”4 John and Charles Wesley were passionate lovers of God and powerful persuaders of people. As a result, the brothers were viewed by many of their contemporaries as religious fanatics. History has been far kinder in its verdict. It views them as world changers. And every one of the changes they wrought is part of the legacy of Susanna Wesley. In his 1864 biography, John Kirk wrote of Susanna, “Her name has been everywhere received with respect; and by a large and influential Christian Community it has been cherished with strongest affection. Her success in the education of her children has been the theme of universal admiration; and no one has yet ventured to hazard even a conjecture as to how much the cause of religion and the well-being of the human race are indebted to her steady piety and extraordinary talents.”5 We hope that as you read [the story of] Susanna Wesley, you’ll grab on to the power of them. For Susanna Wesley, there was no amount of distraction that could keep her from prayer and the Bible. That kind of life, deeply rooted, produced great fruit, as evidenced not only by the people who came to hear her teach but also by the children she influenced. The great truth in her story is how prayer does not occupy the stage of activity. Its power is in the quiet trust of gentle souls who are willing to pull away from the everyday to commune with God. John Wesley, The Heart of Wesley’s Journal, ed. Ed Hughes and Hugh Price (Peabody, MA: Hendrickson, 2008), 127. William Henry Fitchett, Wesley and His Century: A Study in Spiritual Forces (London: Smith, Elder & Co., 1906), 1. Ibid. Peter Matthews, Who’s Buried Where in London (London: 
Bloomsbury, 2017), 37. John Kirk, The Mother of the Wesleys: A Biography (Ambler, MA: 
Tresidder, 1864), vii. Excerpted with permission from Only One Life by Jackie Green and Lauren Green McAfee, copyright Jackie Green, Lauren Green McAfee, Bill High.

isn’t she beautiful: the role of physical attraction in dating

How significant should physical attraction be in the pursuit of marriage? Or, what role, if any, should physical appearance play in Christian dating? Guys have come to me over the years asking about this. Usually he respects or admires a godly young woman (or, maybe more often, other people in his life think he  should  admire her more), and yet he’s not physically attracted to her. She’s not his “type,” he says. “Should I still pursue her?” What would you say to him? I would say, “No.” Or at least, “Not yet.” Given the common assumptions and practices in our society today, including the church, I do not believe a man (or woman) should begin a dating relationship with someone to whom they are not physically attracted. If he admires other things about her, I’m all for him  befriending  her and getting to know her in safe, unambiguous, non-flirtatious ways (probably in groups). But I believe physical attraction, at least in the vast majority of cases, is one critical piece in discerning whether to date or marry someone. That being said, I also believe that physical attraction is far deeper and more dynamic, even spiritual, than we tend to think. It’s not static or objective. Real, meaningful, durable attraction is far more than physical. A man or woman’s physical appearance only plays one role in what makes them attractive or appealing. Its role is massive initially, say the very first time you see someone, when all you know about them is what you see, before you even know their name or hear their voice. But its role will necessarily evolve the more you learn about someone. After you’ve learned more about them — by asking their friends, or by hearing them talk, or by watching the way they live — you’ll never see them again as just the person you saw at first. The more we learn about them, the more their appearance is filled, for better or for worse, with new and deeper meaning — with their personality, their convictions, their sense of humor, their faith. The once-stunning girl may lose most of her charm, and the easily overlooked girl may become undeniably beautiful. They each look exactly the same as before, and yet they don’t. You see them, even their physical appearance, differently now. Physical (and Flexible) Attraction Don’t believe me? Ask sixty-year-old love birds if they’re still “physically attracted” to each other. Some of them are more attracted to each other than ever, and it’s  not  because they’re gaining weight, losing their hair, or having more trouble getting around. It’s because their appearance, in the eyes of their beloved, is increasingly filled with a deepening appreciation for the beauty in the other. They see something different in each other’s eyes. The hands are worn, but familiar and safe. The wrinkles are the years of faithfulness and bliss spent together. Their love not only looks beyond the surface, but sees the surface with new eyes. “True love not only looks beyond the surface, but sees the surface with new eyes.” On the other side, that celebrity you think is  so  hot right now can lose all of his or her appeal overnight, literally in one headline. The heartthrob guy beats his girlfriend, or the magazine-cover woman sleeps with three more guys. It’s suddenly harder to even look at pictures of them anymore. They each look exactly the same, but they don’t. You see the same pictures differently now — same hair, same eyes, same figure — all suddenly unappealing, unattractive. Physical attraction is real, but flexible. God has wired us to appreciate beauty in his design — to find men (for women) or women (for men) physically appealing — and that is a real and important element in our pursuit of marriage, and eventually in our flourishing within the covenant. God gave us physical senses and desires for our good. But that’s only one piece of what makes people attractive, and it is not the main piece — nowhere close. Mutual faith in Jesus Christ should be the most arrestingly attractive thing about any potential spouse. Beauty Is Vain This may be the most important thing to learn about physical (or sexual) attraction: that at its richest and fullest, it is not only or even mainly physical (eyes, hair, and figure). “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised” (Proverbs 31:30). Why does Solomon even need to say that? Because physical beauty and charm are naturally appealing. But without faith, they’re fading, and fast. You can look at a picture in an ad or on an app and decide whether someone’s physical appearance is appealing to you, but that’s like buying a house based on a picture from the front yard. Most people want to enjoy how the front of their house looks, but that doesn’t typically break the list of the top ten or fifteen things they’re looking for in a home. How many bedrooms and bathrooms? Have the appliances been updated in the last five or ten years? What kind of shape is the foundation in? The outside may be most important to some people, but they’re probably people who haven’t owned a home before. The inside of a house — space, appliances, interior design — can cover a multitude of sins outside. But no amount of paint and creativity outside can fix serious issues inside. “Godliness should be the most attractive thing about the most attractive people.” So, let’s ask the question another way. Should a Christian man pursue a Christian woman to whom he  is  physically attracted? I might say, “No.” That is, if all you know or like about her is what you see. I would encourage you to befriend her and get to know her in safe, unambiguous, non-flirtatious ways (probably in groups), until you know whether there is real beauty behind her face and everything else anyone can see. Have you seen enough of her faith, her spiritual strength and maturity, her Christlikeness to know if her beauty is real and durable, or superficial and fading? Better with Age I would not encourage a man to pursue a godly woman whom he’s not attracted to physically, but I won’t let the conversation end there, either. I’ll give him a few other questions to ask himself. For instance, if she really is a godly woman, why might you be more attracted to the unbelieving girl in your algebra class? Or (for the women), if he really is a godly man, why might you be more attracted to the ungodly guy at work? As godly men and women, we should find godliness incredibly attractive. In fact, in our eyes and hearts, it should be the most attractive thing about the most attractive people. That doesn’t mean that if you’re a Christian, you should find every Christian man or woman attractive. But it should mean there’s a theme or trend in your attractions. In our day, it seems wise, in general, for men and women to date someone to whom they are attracted.  And  Christian men and women should be cultivating hearts that are more attracted to faith and character than anything else. The world around us will preach that physical beauty is everything, but we know and desire better. Of all the people in the world, we should be the most free from enslavement to physical appearances and sexual titillation. Our eyes should be increasingly drawn to modesty, not immodesty. As we put on the eyes and heart of Christ, we should increasingly be able to see through all the temporary and fading appearances to the things that are truly beautiful — the qualities in each other that imitate Jesus and anticipate heaven. The qualities that get better with age. My Hope for Men What’s my hope for Christian men? “It is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God” (Philippians 1:9–11). I want our men (and women) to be known for recognizing and approving what is truly excellent and beautiful, that there would be a strange and durable purity to our pursuits of marriage. What an awesome thing it would be if the world was confused today by your interest in a Christian woman whom they find less physically attractive, only to have it make  perfect sense  twenty-five years later when you’re happily married (and more attracted to each other than ever) — and they’re five months into their fifth marriage. “Christians should be cultivating hearts that are more attracted to faith and character than anything else.” If you’re a Christian, and you’re not as attracted to godliness as you want to be, or if you feel yourself fixated on physical beauty, what should you do? Confess that to a brother. Bring someone in to sift through those desires with you, someone who can help you apply the gospel with grace and truth. And then start looking for evidences of grace in godly women. It’s easy to notice physical features — almost any man in the world is capable of that — but discipline yourself to notice and appreciate true beauty, which is not flaunted, but buried in a woman’s heart and expressed in things like patience, kindness, and selflessness. Say a prayer of thanks for what you see in women like that, and then share it with your friend. Turn the world’s crude locker-room conversations on their head by commending true and lasting beauty with humility and respect. Learn the vanity of physical beauty (by itself) and the lies lacing flirtatious charm and flattery, and train your heart and mind to praise and desire the woman whose heart is hot for Jesus.

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